Gaining confidence in setting good boundaries

It’s one of the smallest words in the English language. NO. It’s clear, direct, firm (not always the qualities we enjoy in the Midwest) and communicates a boundary. It can be binding and freeing. We are told to use it in many situations, often the dangerous ones, but forget that it can be used productively and positively. Yet it seems to be more difficult to say than many other words we use. Why can saying “no” feel so impossible?

We are usually driven by truly honorable intentions when we fail to say no. Typically, we are aiming for two outcomes: I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings and I want to maintain a relationship with this person. These are called prosocial thoughts. As social beings, our desire to belong and maintain peace has been critical to our survival throughout history of humankind. Those who are cast out risked starvation, isolation and death. This is such a deeply held need that we fear isolating ourselves by withdrawing from a situation as strongly as if we were rejected by others. And during our late-teens and early twenties, this need is more strongly experienced than other times in our lives.

We have been taught early on that we must be polite and agreeable. These can come in the form of lessons such as the Clean Plate Club, gentle urgings of “oh, come on”, your siblings disregarding your feedback, or parents punishing you for being “difficult”. Very likely, you have been openly communicating your NO in many ways and people may not have accepted it.

They also usually have noble reasons for dismissing your limits but it can lead us to feel helpless and, more importantly, lead us to fail to trust our internal compass about what we want and need. These early lessons have taught us that we must not listen to our instincts and that our instincts may lead to group rejection.

Unfortunately, our hesitation in setting limits can lead us to make decisions that are unhealthy for us. We may be drawn to take on far more commitments than we are able to maintain. We may do the work for others, unintentionally, in group projects or shared roles. We may stray from who we are just to please those around us. We may, accidentally, commit and find it even harder to uncommit later.

You can begin to take small steps to attend to your NO boundary by finding small boundaries to set (be a
baby boundary setter). You may need to work to give yourself permission to run the risk of disappointing someone else and it will likely feel extremely uncomfortable the first few times you take this risk.

Consider the question: What am I willing to do versus what can I do? Your “willing to do” may be significantly less than your “I can do”. For example, you CAN write someone else’s paper but you probably aren’t willing to.

On the upside: you are prioritizing your needs with intention and can begin to recognize what you need and when.

Maybe going out on Friday is NOT what you need. Maybe you DON’T feel like going to the game with everyone else. Maybe the time you spend at this group meeting WON’T help you prepare for your exam. Maybe your AREN’T interested in dating someone… but you may be flattered by the interest.

Check out Nedra Glover Tawwab on Instagram @nedratawwab or check out the YouTube channel Psych2Go for approaches about setting boundaries in relationships.