Genuine relationships shaped from virtuous actions

I discovered a quote that is apparently from Rihanna that might help unpack how we consider the value of friendship: “If you’re not making someone else’s life better, then you’re wasting your time. Your life will become better by making other lives better.”

There is a connection here to Chapter 72 in the Rule of Benedict(RB) where it states that no “one should pursue what he judges advantageous to himself, but rather what benefits others.” The difference is that Rihanna could be interpreted as saying your life will be better if you make the lives of others better, meaning the emphasis is still on self-gain. Benedict, conversely, focuses just on benefiting others, and not what the self gets out of it.

If I could conjure up a conversation with Benedict today, however, I am confident he would affirm that one’s life would become better when engaging in actions that benefit others. He knew that virtue could lead one to
“good days.” For the simple reason that virtuous actions are beneficial to the one who participates in them. This does not mean they will advance your material fortunes or increase the “likes” you receive on a social
media post. But they will expand your capacity to deepen relationships with friends. To make them honest,
consistent, healthy, and cherished.

Do you feel gratitude for your friendships? Do you thank God for this person in your life?

Benedict does not talk about friendships in the Rule. In fact, one might argue that he is suspicious of friendships within a monastic community. If two or three monastics develop an emotional bond that begins to lead to favouritism toward one another, for instance, then this could weaken their bond to the larger community. Moreover, it could lead them to overlook the faults of their friends. Friendships, though, are about mutual accountability. A good and healthy friendship is one where the friends can see and accept each other with their faults, while challenging each other in respectful ways. Holding each other to higher standards.

During four years of college, students will develop new friendships; some of these may last a lifetime and some may expire by fall break. (Sorry, I can’t predict which will be which, but you’re probably picking up your
own vibe.)

Benedict would encourage you to invest deeply in your friendships. Treat them as sacred. Bring some main character energy to the following question: How can I serve and support them? How can I practice openness and inclusion, right now? This latter question is about inviting those that might feel excluded, or on the margins, into the possibility of friendship.

Is there anyone in your dorm that might be experiencing isolation that you could invite to an activity or gathering? In Chapter 53 of RB, which deals with the reception of guests, Benedict emphasizes that “[a]ll guests who arrive should be received as Christ.” Perhaps the one who is isolated could be the Christ that you receive as guest. Inviting them into your life could make their life a bit better and, in turn, help make your life better.