Tips for coping with rejection and self-doubt

Pain is an unavoidable reality of life and experiencing rejection seems to be the unavoidable reality of relationships. It may look like a failed relationship, an unenthusiastic or absent invitation, or difficulty in finding a group of friends to call your own. We may feel rejected by a potential partner, friends, family, or society. Many of us work diligently to avoid rejection because of the pain that accompanies it and this leads us to occasionally make choices that we may not otherwise make. We may choose to soften or change our identities, hide our true self, choose agreeableness over dissent, or abandon all opinions in order to preserve our relationships.

Rejection seems to tap into the deepest fears we have… feelings of inadequacy or being unloveable. When we feel this way, we retreat from living fully and openly in the world. We may choose to avoid social situations, or reject others before they can reject us, or bully others to insulate ourselves from the pain of loneliness. All of these actions give us a sense of control over a situation and allow us to feel as though we are choosing our situation rather than have it chosen for us. It does not, however, diminish the pain of rejection or assist us in building our sense of worth and lovability. We first must cope with the rejection in a relationship before we can be open to new relationships.

Feel the (yucky) feelings. You have lost someone or, potentially, something you hoped to have. You began to emotionally form a connection with someone or something and you are experiencing grief in the loss. Give yourself time and space to explore this grief and rewrite what “could” be.

Resist self-blame. It’s normal to look inward to identify the reason for why the rejection happened but you may not find an answer. This is another effort at control. Work to resist the temptation to list the reason as “I’m not good enough” or “I’m unloveable”. There are many reasons for rejection and we must entertain the many possibilities for that rejection… including that it was due to something with the other person.

Recognize your resiliency. You can, and will, bounce back. You have overcome rejection before and will again. The previous two steps are integral in being able to continuing to move forward. You are more than
the lost relationship and focusing on your own strengths and ways in which you are YOU reaffirm your identity.

Try, try again. Relationships require vulnerability. It takes bravery to put yourself out there to learn about someone new and risk rejection. When you are ready, start taking small steps to connect.

You are loveable and good enough. Period. Rejection is something we all experience and experiencing it does not point to a flaw or defect you possess. Work to recognize your inherent worth and stay true to you
in order to find the people that accept you for the person that you are. When rejection happens, remember that you deserve to be honored and accepted and that the loss may make space for new opportunities to come! Check out the works of Brene Brown for more exploration on relationships, vulnerability, and self-acceptance. Also, consider the opportunities for safe vulnerability offered by CSLE, The Libraries, and the student groups and organizations offered around campus.