A Glass Act: an introduction to the wine gurus

At last, The Record has returned to matters of true importance; not global politics, not the football score but the very nectar that separates civilized beings from Busch Light enthusiasts—wine. And who better to lead you on this vinous journey than two undergraduates with Costco cards, a flair for exaggeration and absolutely no business pretending to be sommeliers?

We call this column “A Glass Act.” It is less a public service than an act of charity, performed weekly by your resident aesthetes. The premise is simple: each week we shall select a bottle (perhaps noble, perhaps shamefully affordable) and subject it to the kind of scrutiny ‘usually reserved for a sommelier in Paris, not two college students in Stearns County. We will swirl, sniff and pronounce with great authority, even when all we really detect is “red.”

Why? Because wine deserves better than being lumped in with boxed Franzia at the back of a mini fridge. More importantly, because the CSB+SJU campuses deserve a column with a bit of bite. Beer had its time; it was fun, democratic and predictably foamy. But beer has always been a drink of the masses. Wine, by contrast, elevates— it insists on a glass stem, a raised eyebrow and the faint possibility of quoting a poet you’ve never actually read.

We will declare bottles “unctuous,” “bracing” or, if we are feeling daring, “celery-forward.” And you, dear reader, will know precisely what to buy when hosting friends, wooing a special someone or attempting to appear cultured at a dinner with parents.

For this column, expect a short review, approached with the kind of superiority that only a $12 box of wine can inspire. We’ll provide tasting notes that may or may not hold water, a verdict on whether the bottle earns the dignity of being finished, rather than abandoned at a pregame and suggested pairings ranging from “goes with the finest charcuterie Kwik Trip has to offer” to “best enjoyed during an awkward floor meeting.” Our rating scale will,
of course, be authoritative despite changing slightly whenever it amuses us.

If nothing else, think of us as translators. We take the baffling hieroglyphs of wine culture, terroir, tannins, nose and reinterpret them into claims that will age better than the bottle. Some will be duds, others may surprise us—all will be documented with enough pageantry to turn Joe Hall into a château and make you forget, for a moment, that
you’re still in Stearns County.

So, pour a glass, dear reader, and join us in this weekly masquerade (and yes, only drink if you’re 21+.) We promise a column that drinks above its weight class, is irreverent, and possibly even informative. Whether you’re a connoisseur or a casual sipper, you’ll leave each week certain of only this: style is relative, and ours comes by the glass. And if you find that insufferable, we assure you, it only gets worse from here.

Sincerely,

Gabe Evenocheck & Ben Bugbee

Committee for Collegiate
Viticulture Studies.